Creative accounting

Astounding though it may sound, I somehow managed to develop a successful career in charity fundraising while being unable to do simple arithmetic. I did European Social Fund (ESF) applications and large-scale lottery funding bids without being able to do simple sums. Colleagues thought I was making a joke when I said I couldn’t use Excel and instead relied on a £5 calculator and determination.

Having managed to complete the design of a website for a small charity, in the next month or so I’m hoping to start some voluntary fundraising work for a local carnival arts organisation. Taking into account the usual mental health considerations, the text should be a breeze. The figures will be a fucking nightmare.

As you may guess, the management of my personal finances isn’t too great. I sometimes see living on benefits as a blessing as I don’t have much money to think about. Problem is, every penny has to be micromanaged to achieve maximum effect. I have mini-budgets for everything – weekly groceries, utilities, occasional meals with friends, clothes, my tea fund for gallery cafes, multiple miscellaneous – and spend an inordinate amount of time calculating and recalculating. It’s a form of anxiety reduction and coping mechanism, digital worry beads.

When I’m at my most ill (see Psychotic & proud) I do none of this and I’m reliant on people to help me with even the most basic financial management – making sure the bills are paid and putting the correct amount of money in my wallet to spend each week. In theory, I’m supposed to receive a small extra amount of Personal Independence Payment (PIP) to help me with this but don’t seemingly because I have friends who are financially literate and we’ve reached the point in our society where if you have friends you don’t get help from the state.

This week I was frowning my way through a heavy session of constant recalculation when I just collapsed in frustration and gave up. Couldn’t for the life of me get the income and expenditure totals to add-up so asked a friend to see where I was going wrong. They took a quick look and said they didn’t tally because I had £70 surplus.

Pleasing news, an extra £70 (note this is on top of my contingency, what-if-it-all-fucks-up fund). What can I do with £70?

Sitting in the Victoria & Albert (V&A) cafe, doing what I always do which is to try and be invisible while uploading photos to Instagram that I probably shouldn’t have taken in the first place, I thought, Eureka! I’ll join the V&A.

I’m already a member of The National Gallery and The Tate Galleries so I may as well join the V&A. Of course, there will be people reading this who will be scandalized. People on benefits being able to afford to be members of galleries, does the Taxpayers’ Alliance know about this? When they’re not endlessly rewriting their CVs until their fingers bleed, shouldn’t they be idling in front of the telly watching Homes Under The Hammer, getting more tattoos, down the bookies or in Greggs eating a steak bake?

In my defense, I would point out that I don’t smoke or drink and subsist on the cheapest of everything – including laughs, obviously. My total gallery memberships work out at £3.75 per week. That’s less than I spend on a sandwich and coffee when I go on my near-weekly trips to the Mental Health Centre. I have been thinking of making my own sandwiches and taking a thermos flask. I wouldn’t look out of place with my packed lunch amongst all the other nut-jobs (I’m referring to the staff). With the money saved I could join The British Museum and The National Portrait Gallery.

Now I’m joining the V&A I will be able to fight for change from within. People who are aware of my Twitter oeuvre will know that I delight in mocking the V&A and others for their desire to cater to the Poppys & Millys insatiable appetite for yoga and intellectual disco. It’s my belief that if our great palaces of art want to increase their range of activities they should look to audiences beyond the Poppys. It’s not like there is a shortage of places in London for the Poppys and Millys to do yoga and intellectual disco.

The V&A could be laying on facilities for isolated pensioners to come in and do Tai Chi or they could be encouraging single moms from Barking & Dagenham council estates to bring in their tots to do gymnastics – what could be finer that tiny tumblers in the Raphael Room? The elderly and the very young could wander wide-eyed around galleries and then enjoy a relaxing cappuccino.

(Update 8 November 2017: the V&A are putting on Tia Chi in the Raphael Court! Hopefully they’ll bring in a broader audience and prove they are not such bastards after all).

The V&A will say they are diverse and will bang on about gal-dem. But gal-dem are sort of BAME Poppys & Millys (sorry, someone had to say it). It’s not like black working-class kids from the roughest estates in Tottenham and Hackney are not safe and at any moment the startled youths will be bundled into the back of a van by some Poppys and driven to the V&A and frog-marched around displays of art and design.

I launched a campaign on Twitter: Galleries for Sketching, not Stretching! I envisaged handing out leaflets at art venues like those prickly renegades The Stuckists.

My campaign didn’t snowball in quite the way I expected. In fact, the only person who was enthusiastic was some fellow who is into “men’s rights”. He complains bitterly that feminists are trying to stop men doing yoga. It’s very unfortunate.

Featured image: Christ driving the Traders from the Temple, about 1600, El Greco. The National Gallery. Yes, I have taken my medication.

(Many images from the National Gallery can be downloaded for non-profit publications, personal websites, blogs, and social media).

 

Pink Floyd: Their Mortal Remains at the V&A

I hate Pink Floyd

Old punks never die, instead, they end up going to Pink Floyd exhibitions (also see my Instagram). I had a school friend who was obsessed with Pink Floyd and was always trying to get me to listen to The Dark Side of the Moon. I’d sneer and say, “never trust a hippy”.

The exhibition was very good and worth V&A membership. I’ve ordered The Dark Side of the Moon from the local library, 40p for poor old schizos and other disabled.

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